(ramble) delphic boat man

Ramble

I haven’t shaved for about three weeks.

Haven’t been to the gym either.

No money at the moment because I inherited a guilt-inducing habit of indulging impulse.

Was toiling away at work when it struck me I haven’t contributed to my own quiet corner of the internet for awhile. So, here I am.

A drifting spaceman in a sea of textual possibility.

I guess an overshare might be that when I am medicated, as I am right now, it feels like I am living life on easy mode. There is a sort of mental ‘aim-assist’ to complex problems. My general happiness is much higher, smiles coming to my face easier. I appreciate things I often wouldn’t. How did that tree get on top of that building? I watch a woman in a motorised wheelchair slowly veer onto a train platform, her young daughter asleep and draped around her neck. I see the love and glimpse a private narrative and its makes me appreciate the bigger picture.

The other day I literally uttered the words, ‘it’s going to be a great summer’. Wut.

When I am not medicated I generally seem to be the complete opposite. Frenetic. There is no invisible chemical hand guiding my mental acuity. I just, feel like I am in hyperdrive. Steering a ship that gets faster and more uncontrollable as it speeds inevitably towards a black hole. I think about my funeral a lot more. About my self-worth. Insignificance. I get paranoid that everyone around me thinks I am an idiot, and even if they aren’t, I know that fuelling my worry with neuroticism is the best way to make people think you are. I have much less patience with things that annoy me, I treat people worse.

But I also know that when I stop taking the drugs, I feel freedom. Like this calm that has blanketed me is gone and I am upon the world once more, feeling the complexity of emotion that makes me struggle and the thrill of letting all my ideas go and being restless and angry and all the satisfaction of being that way. It’s the fucked up little brother to adrenaline.

But its hard and it never ends well.

And so I am often conflicted in the face of my mental health. Am I going to achieve what I want to achieve living on easy mode? Am I going to live at all playing on hard mode?

Guess I just gotta achieve what I can achieve where I can achieve it.

Sadly, I guess its a human flaw to always want more.

(opinion) Thirst Quenching.

Opinion, Ramble

A bunch of Pepsi Execs in a futuristic board room, a holographic chart of demographics and brand ‘points’ hovering before them. Suddenly from among the gathering, a hip forty-year-old woman named Sandra smiles and raises her hand. The head of the meeting, John, a fifty-six-year-old man points to her.

‘Kendall Jenner!’

There is a murmur in the room and its dissolves into applause. John beams an unnaturally perfect smile and throws a thumbs-up at Sandra.

‘Great work! Sandra!’

Sandras breakthrough begins a wave of creative revelation. Different execs from Paul, to Ryan to even the usually less creative Ryan II flood the room.

‘Protests!’ ‘Youth!’ ‘Models!’ ‘Kendall Jen— oh we have that already’ ‘Upset Minorities!’

At the end of it all, they have their advertisement.

They go home to their children. Who they attempt to instill moral values into but instead unwittingly burn their own fundamental character failures into.

Or they listlessly sit in their apartments staring at an image of their Christ, a bottle of Pepsi, while swigging gulps of the spirit of their choice and feinting against the aggressive urge to kill themselves.

Or they ingratiate themselves into ‘hip’ cultural events and incessantly hold it up to their social media feeds desirous of the social praise and acceptance they HAVE to hold dear otherwise everything they do is pointless and they have failed and failure is unacceptable.

Months later. The commercial is finished and making the rounds. And somebody gets upset because it is inhuman. A reflection of a Corporations personality, so unfeeling and lacking empathy. The people who care, cry and bawl. And the people who don’t care about the people who care, ask them why they care so much.

And we all are Gods in our little worlds of chaos and complication, creating little storms that swirl away with time. And Kendall Jenner just cut a cheque with a company that makes sweet poison. Sandra and John just made a bonus.

And I sit in my bedroom, Living for Now.

(opinion) / 2017

Opinion, Ramble, Writing in Progress

Ongoing 2017.

A collection of notes I’ve tapped into my phone.

I make no apologies for my own potential for stupidity.

shoe

  • CONCEPT: Technology that utilises all blue tooth signals from a phone without disparate, individual apps. Remove all peripheral stages by transitioning phone into seamless universal remote/eventual minimisation of all technology into ‘invisibility’.
  • BEAT: Taking a much-needed dump in an automated/timed public bathroom. A pre-recorded voice warning you, ‘you have one minute’ – but bodily-function is defying pre-ordained time. Like, desperately pulling on toilet paper to a countdown.
  • EXCERPT: ‘No better way of mobilising support, of drumming up political business, than by stoking popular indignation’. Richard King, On Offence.
  • RANDOM: Verbal ‘uplift’ is not a revolution.
  • CONCEPT: Audience can see the Monster encroaching on the Victim at all times while the Victim remains oblivious.
  • THEMES: Heartbreak and sadness.
  • IDEA: ‘Ideal Reviews’. Always gives glowing, Panglossian reviews regardless of quality.
  • RANDOM: Politicians aren’t serving the country, they are exploiting rules to serve self-interest. Is it a misnomer to say ‘parasitic symbiosis’?
  • EXCERPT: ‘Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.’ Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning.
  • RANDOM: Power corrupts not because you have it, but because you want it.
  • RANDOM: Maybe we are aliens. The seed of ‘intelligence’ planted within primordial man, growing like an infant spider, destined to consume its Mother. In this way, we are meant to consume and destroy in the pursuit of the greater complexity of thought – like a bird escaping an egg, we break through space and fling ourselves into a new world.
  • RANDOM: Waiting amongst a crowd of people at escalators. What chumps we are. Cramming together so we can pay to go to work and be unhappy.
  • CONCEPT: Buff white Jesus mowing down priests with akimbo uzis.
  • WORD: Formicophilia – the fetish of feeling insects in your orifices.
  • RANDOM: Desperately seeking something to yearn for.
  • RANDOM: Synesthesia is the data from the sensory regions of the brain bleeding into one another. Some people see colours in letters. Or taste in sounds.
  • RANDOM: Schizophrenia is the crossing of unconscious and conscious reality. It’s like the absurdity of dreams being taken as fact by the awake brain.
  • RANDOM: We dehumanise other groups of people inherently. Our Medial Prefrontal Cortex can consciously untether associations to groups and individuals. To be homeless is not to be a person, so we feel less moral pain not helping them.
  • IDEA: Three retro space men wake up on a red planet and pursue each other. One is red, one is blue and one is yellow. Wordlessly they pursue one another – each trying to kill the others on a hazardous planet. All three are androids, tether psychically to humans on a satellite.
  • RANDOM: True choice is born from dilemma.
  • RAMBLE: People smoke because they need to relax. Because it’s unspoken but true, just living is the most stressful thing we all do. You don’t exist with billions of cells working in perfect synchronisation without a little resentment. At our core, we just want to rest sometimes. To stop. Not to die per se, but just to find a calm. The eye of the cyclone of existence. So, smoking has the two-pronged attack. On one hand, it’s a short break from it all. Supported by sociability of the like-minded and a mental reliance on chemical release. The other is that we know that smoking will kill us. We will die with or without it. People smoke. They relax. They live. They die.
  • RANDOM: We measure our lives by annual salary.
  • IDEA: Football-esque game where there are twelve footballs and 12 players against 12 defensive players. With four minutes on each side, the teams have to brainstorm a strategy and from their side, get as many balls over the opposition’s line.
  • RANDOM: Sometimes, lying in bed with her, I felt lonelier than if I wasn’t. She was a MacGuffin that took a long time to attain, but once attained, came at a steep existential price. That’s what she was in the end. Not a plot point but a coda.
  • DREAM: At a Spanish University to get a second degree, me and Ted Danson are sent to a sexual education seminar because I had blue dye on my toes. I was the only person who grabbed an orange seat.
  • IDEA: Zombie apocalypse. Decides to join the winning team and pretend to be a zombie. Somehow, becomes the lone survivor.
  • RANDOM: The birthplace of coffee was Ethiopia. Cultivation spread across the Red Sea to Yemen. Then somehow to Turkey, then Italy via trade deals, then France.
  • RANDOM: Indoctrinated from birth to compete and compare. Limited to our sphere of consciousness it is hard to remove yourself from competition. To stop and think without worry as you watch everybody else head in one direction. Because to stop is to fail. That’s dropping out.
  • RANDOM: The Wonderful Wizard of Oz is a parable of the populist campaign to free silver in 1900 America. The witches are the East and West banks. The scarecrow represents dumb, in debt farmers. The cowardly lion the politicians who didn’t intervene out of fear. And the tin man was the industrial proletariat who didn’t have the heart to act in solidarity with the working classes.
  • RANDOM: ‘By gifts one makes slaves and by whips one makes dogs’
  • Melbourne at first was enormous and lonely and claustrophobic all at once.
  • RAMBLE: Because even though it’s perfectly normal, to the extent that it is a biological imperative – I hate using restrooms because of audible gaseous expulsions from strangers. The peculiar squeal of sphincters, the sweaty red-faced grunts and the splash of waste colliding with the water.
  • RANDOM: The kind of laughter, that while earnest, could be misconstrued as audible sobbing.
  • DREAM: Lumberjacks living on-site are chopping down a huge forest called Dearwood. Ignoring warnings by sage-like hippies, the forest possesses deer who are warped into horrific, anthropomorphic abominations, who start killing the lumberjacks. Had a Predator feel.
  • RANDOM: Offering individuals the opportunity for heroic engagements with fate by gambling. Fulfilling the existential need for ‘action’ or consequential activity in an increasingly bureaucratic society, deprived of the opportunity to express character in public settings of risk.
  • IDEA: Horror movie about an actresses big break, masterminded by a stalker who has accumulated all of her audition tapes from the beginning of her career. For an extra spice of creepy, she started as a child actor.
  • RANDOM: If we can determine apex predators in animal species taxonomy, who is to say that there isn’t a species higher than us, of greater intelligence, that feeds upon us (the unexplained philosophy of death) or even just tolerates us, as we do mites.