I haven’t shaved for about three weeks.
Haven’t been to the gym either.
No money at the moment because I inherited a guilt-inducing habit of indulging impulse.
Was toiling away at work when it struck me I haven’t contributed to my own quiet corner of the internet for awhile. So, here I am.
A drifting spaceman in a sea of textual possibility.
I guess an overshare might be that when I am medicated, as I am right now, it feels like I am living life on easy mode. There is a sort of mental ‘aim-assist’ to complex problems. My general happiness is much higher, smiles coming to my face easier. I appreciate things I often wouldn’t. How did that tree get on top of that building? I watch a woman in a motorised wheelchair slowly veer onto a train platform, her young daughter asleep and draped around her neck. I see the love and glimpse a private narrative and its makes me appreciate the bigger picture.
The other day I literally uttered the words, ‘it’s going to be a great summer’. Wut.
When I am not medicated I generally seem to be the complete opposite. Frenetic. There is no invisible chemical hand guiding my mental acuity. I just, feel like I am in hyperdrive. Steering a ship that gets faster and more uncontrollable as it speeds inevitably towards a black hole. I think about my funeral a lot more. About my self-worth. Insignificance. I get paranoid that everyone around me thinks I am an idiot, and even if they aren’t, I know that fuelling my worry with neuroticism is the best way to make people think you are. I have much less patience with things that annoy me, I treat people worse.
But I also know that when I stop taking the drugs, I feel freedom. Like this calm that has blanketed me is gone and I am upon the world once more, feeling the complexity of emotion that makes me struggle and the thrill of letting all my ideas go and being restless and angry and all the satisfaction of being that way. It’s the fucked up little brother to adrenaline.
But its hard and it never ends well.
And so I am often conflicted in the face of my mental health. Am I going to achieve what I want to achieve living on easy mode? Am I going to live at all playing on hard mode?
Guess I just gotta achieve what I can achieve where I can achieve it.
Sadly, I guess its a human flaw to always want more.