(ramble) delphic boat man


I haven’t shaved for about three weeks.

Haven’t been to the gym either.

No money at the moment because I inherited a guilt-inducing habit of indulging impulse.

Was toiling away at work when it struck me I haven’t contributed to my own quiet corner of the internet for awhile. So, here I am.

A drifting spaceman in a sea of textual possibility.

I guess an overshare might be that when I am medicated, as I am right now, it feels like I am living life on easy mode. There is a sort of mental ‘aim-assist’ to complex problems. My general happiness is much higher, smiles coming to my face easier. I appreciate things I often wouldn’t. How did that tree get on top of that building? I watch a woman in a motorised wheelchair slowly veer onto a train platform, her young daughter asleep and draped around her neck. I see the love and glimpse a private narrative and its makes me appreciate the bigger picture.

The other day I literally uttered the words, ‘it’s going to be a great summer’. Wut.

When I am not medicated I generally seem to be the complete opposite. Frenetic. There is no invisible chemical hand guiding my mental acuity. I just, feel like I am in hyperdrive. Steering a ship that gets faster and more uncontrollable as it speeds inevitably towards a black hole. I think about my funeral a lot more. About my self-worth. Insignificance. I get paranoid that everyone around me thinks I am an idiot, and even if they aren’t, I know that fuelling my worry with neuroticism is the best way to make people think you are. I have much less patience with things that annoy me, I treat people worse.

But I also know that when I stop taking the drugs, I feel freedom. Like this calm that has blanketed me is gone and I am upon the world once more, feeling the complexity of emotion that makes me struggle and the thrill of letting all my ideas go and being restless and angry and all the satisfaction of being that way. It’s the fucked up little brother to adrenaline.

But its hard and it never ends well.

And so I am often conflicted in the face of my mental health. Am I going to achieve what I want to achieve living on easy mode? Am I going to live at all playing on hard mode?

Guess I just gotta achieve what I can achieve where I can achieve it.

Sadly, I guess its a human flaw to always want more.

(opinion) Thirst Quenching.

Opinion, Ramble

A bunch of Pepsi Execs in a futuristic board room, a holographic chart of demographics and brand ‘points’ hovering before them. Suddenly from among the gathering, a hip forty-year-old woman named Sandra smiles and raises her hand. The head of the meeting, John, a fifty-six-year-old man points to her.

‘Kendall Jenner!’

There is a murmur in the room and its dissolves into applause. John beams an unnaturally perfect smile and throws a thumbs-up at Sandra.

‘Great work! Sandra!’

Sandras breakthrough begins a wave of creative revelation. Different execs from Paul, to Ryan to even the usually less creative Ryan II flood the room.

‘Protests!’ ‘Youth!’ ‘Models!’ ‘Kendall Jen— oh we have that already’ ‘Upset Minorities!’

At the end of it all, they have their advertisement.

They go home to their children. Who they attempt to instill moral values into but instead unwittingly burn their own fundamental character failures into.

Or they listlessly sit in their apartments staring at an image of their Christ, a bottle of Pepsi, while swigging gulps of the spirit of their choice and feinting against the aggressive urge to kill themselves.

Or they ingratiate themselves into ‘hip’ cultural events and incessantly hold it up to their social media feeds desirous of the social praise and acceptance they HAVE to hold dear otherwise everything they do is pointless and they have failed and failure is unacceptable.

Months later. The commercial is finished and making the rounds. And somebody gets upset because it is inhuman. A reflection of a Corporations personality, so unfeeling and lacking empathy. The people who care, cry and bawl. And the people who don’t care about the people who care, ask them why they care so much.

And we all are Gods in our little worlds of chaos and complication, creating little storms that swirl away with time. And Kendall Jenner just cut a cheque with a company that makes sweet poison. Sandra and John just made a bonus.

And I sit in my bedroom, Living for Now.

(h.o.m.m) The Tragedy of Katamet

Video, Video Game

So, I have been watching an 80-year old Skyrim player quest through Skyrim as a Nomadic Merchant Khajiit for a little while now. Alas, I got pretty busy and fell off regular viewing somewhere after video fifty.

Recently decided to revisit Shirley and see where she was at – only to find that the story of Katamet had come to a very melodramatic end. So I made a video tribute by abridging the original and adding some cinematic flair.

Honestly, I’m pretty jealous of how immersed she was.

Edit#1: Interesting reaction on Reddit and the Youtube page – people thinking this is a reupload. The original is 36 minutes long, ours is 8 minutes. Either people are watching the beginning and thinking we just directly pulled it and getting mad, or I’ve breached some moral issue I can’t quite comprehend yet.

The first 4 minutes are select quotes from Shirley as she played, culled down to four from something like 18 minutes. I’m thinking people are just reactive instead of patient or curious.

Either way, I emailed this to Shirley so if she hates it I’ll remove it.

Edit#2: Honestly. This might be neurotic, but this video has been ruined for me. If you get to the end it’s clearly made with fondness (though certainly tongue-in-cheek) / but the negative lens has been applied and now I’m kinda down on it. Which is a shame because I find that ice troll hilarious at the end.

Edit#3: Deleted the Reddit post because people seem to think its a repost of stolen content. I’m confused about the divisive take on this. On one hand, it’s an edit of other content – but it’s also clear whose content it’s an edit of with attribution to that creator. It’s also a tribute to that content creator.

Or, maybe they thought the Reddit post was re-posting Shirley’s video, even though if you have seen her videos this is significantly different. For one, Shirley doesn’t have any edits in her videos. No graphics. Certainly no music or complex cuts.

Either way, there was too much miscommunication to keep it up. No matter what, the loudest people were the ones who hadn’t seen either video. So… good job Reddit.

Edit#4: Oh, sweet vindication. Shirley responded and loved it. Thank God. She even shared it which was sweet of her. Though, it’s cool to send something to the other side of the world and get a good response.